Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
i wish we could shoplift online
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast