Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

ㅤ