Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.