Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
You Might Also Like
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.