Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

As a doctor, I can confirm

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

what’s more important?

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*