Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”