Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.