Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?