Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?