Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”