Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

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WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.


This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.


If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.


Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.


Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine


[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*