WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
me when I see my crush
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*