Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.