@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

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@SherBoBer

WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@TheBoydP

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@eyeswidebutt

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*