Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dishonest mechanic?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.