Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
