Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
you’re damn right i have
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.