Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Potatoes were such a good idea
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie