Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.


My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”


*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*


detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer

me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway

detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead


I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.


[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home


Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators


Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
CoW: it’s early


Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.


A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.