Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife