Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*
*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*
detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer
me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway
detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
Me: I KNOW DAN
CoW: it’s early
Me: THAT’S HOW EARTH WORKS
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.