Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time