Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval