Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
This checks out
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet