Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
You Might Also Like
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.