Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.