Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
congratulations to them
