Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf