Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.