Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it