Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.


Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel


Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.


Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.


Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.


Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.


Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?


My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.