@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

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@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@mommy_cusses

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

@LnL245

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@joshgondelman

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

@Sassafrantz

Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.