Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
couldn’t resist
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Don’t talk down to me
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…