Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

💀

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Breaking news:

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings