everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’d rather go liquor treating.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
#parenting
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers