everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You Might Also Like
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
i will not be silenced
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂