everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
me after i passed that state trooper
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.