Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

(Every historical tour)

Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture

Me: Oh wow very cool

Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

No. He’s not coming out to play

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar