Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how