Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
me when i see my girls butt
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine