Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
who wore it better?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
This is Sparta
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.