Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
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Me, reading some of your tweets
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.