Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Bruh PLEASE

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.