Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

They’re not wrong

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge