Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
An odd boast
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.