Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*