Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
sigh
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Sign of the day..
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES