@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@SteveKoehler22

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

@Iam_Nathaniel

Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?

@Mom_Overboard

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

@The_GetawayGirl

i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”