@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

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@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@Lovestained555

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@fro_vo

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.