FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
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MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.
Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me: are u Scottish
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no