When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Grandmother clock.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going