@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

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@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@Sam_Alan33

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@impaulmccoy

I’m guessing the game Twister isn’t getting a lot of action right now.

@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no