GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
“are you a programmer?”
not really. me is more of an amateur grammar
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”
Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”