Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
How times have changed.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.