Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.