Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
☺️
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
good let them take over I have had enough
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My dress code is business-casualty.