Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Namaste

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.