Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”