Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
You Might Also Like
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
LMFAOOOO
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
That’s enough internet for the day
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Its a hippotatomus
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
