Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’