Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

My teenage children choosing violence

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

79.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.