Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop