Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
this country is so goddamn polarized
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.