Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels