Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My first child will be named New Folder.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?