Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself