Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Toxic snake

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

I am all good here, 😂😉

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping