everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
🔦🌙👣
Simple
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
*weighs self after shaving
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.