everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.