Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.