Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I am, perchance
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
S O O N
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
my first dose meeting my second
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.