Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.