Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

One of the best

😂🖐️

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Nomnomnomnom

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history