everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.