everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
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My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!