Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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Cats are still liquid.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
relationship goals
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.