Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

This guy’s not having it 😆

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.