Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.