Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
You Might Also Like
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH