Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face