Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.