Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”