Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope